This blog was supposed to be about a healthy, happy pregnancy. Unfortunately, this pregnancy has not felt happy or healthy so far. I've blogged a couple of times over the last few weeks and given a glimpse into what's been going on with my health, but I haven't elaborated much. And I've had people ask me "well, what's WRONG with you? What's going on?" And the answer I've had to give is "We don't know. We're waiting on the test results". But what I haven't shared with a lot of people (for fear of being judged among other reasons) is what I have been experiencing. So I'll take the time to do that now. Please keep in mind that, yes, a lot of these symptoms are normal for pregnancy. But the extended amount of time (6-8 weeks) that mine have been going on, coupled with the extremeness of them, is what has been a concern. :)
I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. Sometimes I can't get calmed down at night, but mostly I just wake up and can't go back to sleep because it's like my body is wired up. I wake up, go to the bathroom, and by the time I'm back in bed I've got knots in my stomach and feel like any hope of sleep is gone.For awhile, when I was waking up, my heart would pound and I would be dizzy. I would have to breathe and try every trick in the book to try and get my body to calm down. Over the last week or two, it has gotten better. I go to sleep easily (sometimes with the help of a sleep aid) and usually stay asleep now until the early-mid morning hours. (Before, I was up every 30-60 minutes and it would take me easily 30 minutes-3 hours to get back to sleep). I am still waking up earlier than my body needs to, but I'm sleeping for good stretches for now.
Waking up is pretty miserable. I'm shaky, jittery, and sick almost immediately. My stomach is nauseated, almost as if I have stage fright. My heart rate is elevated. I feel anxious and worried. I lay in bed for awhile because A) I can tell my body is not ready to get up and needs more sleep and B) Jumping right into a routine will often make things worse. With Abbie being older and having a love of cartoons, I can usually slip back to sleep for 20-30 minutes. But it typically takes me 2 hours or so to do so. My body doesn't tend to calm down until 9-10 am, if even then.
As the day goes on, sometimes things get better. But for the most part, my days have been plagued by the same nervous stomach, elevated heart rate, shaky and sweaty hands, and the barrage of thoughts that have come along with them.
I have a lot more going on than just the feelings of horrible stage fright, though. When I stand up, my blood pressure drops for about 30 seconds and the room spins. Now I've had this for years, but over the last few weeks it's been every.single.time I stand up from a squatting or laying position. I'm really weak, often feeling my heart rate elevated to about twice it's normal level just from playing tag with Abbie or climbing a set of stairs. I could easily take 2-3 naps a day. My stomach is often upset for a good portion of the day. I can hardly eat even when I'm super-hungry. My eyes are incredibly sensitive to the sunlight. Sometimes my vision is blurry.
I find myself going to my mom's whenever I can just because I get overwhelmed and so easily exhausted just trying to carry on with Abbie throughout the day. Having someone else there to help even with her, as independent as she can be, is such a load off of me. Especially when all I feel like doing is laying on the couch. I haven't been driving much because a couple of weeks ago, I ended up having horrible panic attacks every time I got behind the wheel (my heart rate would go through the roof for no reason and my hands and feet would eventually shake uncontrollably).
And a lot of people may be thinking "ok, those all kind of sound like silly little things that can be dealt with". But the fact is, when you put all of them together and they're all day long, they're not. And the constant stress of all of them over the last 6 weeks or so has only made me feel worse and worry more. It's exhausting. And depressing. I'm not enjoying things the way I used to because I'm SO preoccupied with what my body is feeling like. I have found myself struggling to even revel in Abbie's everyday activities. I've talked with my healthcare provider about even doing antidepressants or anti-anxieties. (She did end up sending in one that was safe for pregnancy, but other than knocking me out and helping me sleep, it didn't do much). But at the same time, it just didn't feel RIGHT. I still feel like there's something I'm missing.
A couple of nights ago, I was at a really low point. I prayed and pleaded with God to please shed some light onto all of this. I have been beginning to feel like these issues are never going to end. And I was wondering WHY I had all this going on. WHAT had brought all this on? This pregnancy was really the biggest change in our lives. When I woke up the next morning, it was almost like a voice said to me "Melissa, go back and look into the hormonal imbalances that cause the anxiety/depression symptoms you're having" (Because those were really the 2 big things I was starting to identify with. Although they weren't the underlying issues, the fears and frustrations I was having were really what was beginning to get to me. After all, my life had been over-taken by these symptoms and issues for weeks now).
Now let me put a side note into this rambling. If you don't know, I have had adrenal issues before. I have treated them for the last couple of years and it's worked beautifully.Until I got pregnant and things spun out of control. If you don't know, the adrenals are the hormonal gland that
affect your stress level and therefore "do" a lot of other things to
your body if they're out of whack. However, I have never sought out treatment for any other hormonal issues nor have I ever had hormone replacement therapy or anything like that.
So I googled. And while I know that's not the best solution, some interesting things immediately popped up.
Symptoms of low cortisol (a hormone regulated by the adrenals)
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue
Hormonal imbalances in women: what causes depression and anxiety (followed by more information on estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol).
It was like a light bulb went off that said "hey! remember?!?! You've had adrenal problems before! You've had hormonal imbalances that threw your body off in this exact same way! REMEMBER?!?!"
I'm also going to take this time to put in two good snippets of information regarding cortisol levels and symptoms of adrenal fatigue (just in case you'd like to check them with mine. lol)
www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/adrenal-info/symptoms-low-cortisol/
http://www.womentowomen.com/adrenalhealth/symptoms-adrenalfatigue.aspx
And there it all was. Everything I was going through. On my computer screen. In one little list.
Do I know yet for sure what's going on with my body? No. Do I hope I'll get some real, concrete answers when I go back and see the specialist today? Yes yes yes!
But I wanted to write this down. I wanted to share it. Because I know if this were cancer or any other tragic disease, I would be reaching out and telling people. And I would be fighting for my life with every ounce of energy I had in me.
And I feel like I literally have been fighting for my life. I feel like everyday has been such a living hell. And I have prayed and prayed and tried to be as strong and uplifting to myself as I can be. I have reached out to my husband and my parents and tried to get as much support as I can. But nearly every minute of every day for the last few weeks has been a fighting struggle. And I wanted to say that. I wanted to tell people that it may seem weird because I don't have a diagnosis yet and that these may seem like things I could and should just "Get over".
But whatever is going on has overtaken my body and it's been really, really, really tough. So I wanted to put that out there. I've been suffering silently for the last few weeks and I feel like it's made me feel even more alienated. And I'd like to get rid of some of that alienation.
I hope your day is blessed and I'm praying we'll come back from the doctor this afternoon with ground-breaking news!
Melissa
